What's Real
by d.roarke
Summary: Spoilers for Pandora & Linchpin! My first published fanfic. Castle and Beckett each ponder their relationships with each other, and with themselves. Sophia gets the ball rolling.
1. Chapter 1

"You always did like playing with dynamite. Just be careful it doesn't blow up in your face.'

"She's different."

"Is she?" Sophia asked. "Or do you just think she is?"

In the silence that followed, Rick watched her. She was flirting with him. More than. She'd always had that smug, self-satisfied smile, and the contrasting sad, dewy eyes. She'd

drawn him in the first day they'd met. It appeared that she hadn't completely lost that power. But she wasn't Kate.

He met Sophia Turner years ago. He had been a lot younger and, he'd like to think, less mature than he was now. He had been a single dad to a small child, and he relished nearly every minute of parenthood. But when Alexis went to sleep, Rick's mother would often stay the night while he went out to enjoy the company of contemporaries. His writing career was taking off. He had found an agent and a publisher who were determined to make him at least as popular as his books, and they were succeeding. So he found himself in the spotlight, and never wanting for company. He had no trouble finding a date (though the number of dates he went on was greatly exaggerated by the press). This new life? He drank it in like water after a drought.

And now and then, he'd stop and think, "Is this me?"

But he always knew the answer.

Say what you will about the famous Rick Castle, but Richard Alexander Rodgers had been an introverted kid who was moved around too often to form any lasting friendships. He found his "friends" in books, and TV, and movies. He could lose himself in the other worlds they offered. Then, Rick started writing books of his own, creating his own worlds into which others could lose themselves. And one day, or so it seemed, he found Paula and Gina and, well, Alakazam! Rick Castle was born.

Of course, Richard Rodgers was always there. He just preferred to observe. He continued to read. He continued to write. Fiction. Mystery. Adventure. He could be an explorer, a detective. A spy. And because they were his books, he could always get the girl.

Then along came Sophia Turner. She liked Rick Castle, and she fascinated Rick Rodgers. She was a real CIA agent. A certified spy.

Awesome!

And, she was hot.

Rick and Sophia spent one exciting year together. But Sophia was mostly interested in the playboy, and grew frustrated with the nerdy guy within. When their relationship ended, he was not particularly surprised. Experience had taught him that he would probably never keep the girl. Meredith had driven in the lesson well, that no woman would stick with Rick Castle long term, because Rick Rodgers refused to fade away. He could be hidden. But he was always skimming the surface. The Castle persona could not hold out forever, because the man underneath was the real Rick. The real Rick was too child-like, too curious about the world, too eager to dig for answers to suit the elegant women who were interested in Rick Castle. So Rick found comfort and company through his fame and fortune, and when reality bit him in the ass, he would go home to his computer and write his own ending. Rick's heroes always got the girl.

Rick startled when he heard his phone buzz, signaling an incoming call. He decided to ignore it, for now.

"Kate is different," he said again, interrupting Sophia's thoughts as she languidly perused the books and photographs he had collected since she had last been under his roof. She turned to look at him, with that same little smile.

Not for the first time that day, he wished that the CIA had just left him alone.

"Sophia," he said. "I don't want to be rude, but is there a reason for this complete invasion of my privacy other than to warn me off your case?"

The smile became sultry, and she put her hand on his arm. "Well, I guess I wouldn't mind a glass of wine."

Rick remembered _that_ look, too. He found it interesting that lacked the impact that it used to.

"I don't think so, Sophia. You really should be going. It's been a long day. For everyone."

Sophia glanced pointedly at his phone.

"Are you expecting Detective Beckett? "

"No. But it's been a difficult day, and I'm ready to call it."

But she was not ready to be dismissed. "Playing detective _and_ spy," she said. "You must amuse her terribly."

"I'm not.." he started.

"I know, I know," Sophia interrupted. "You think you're protecting her. You're figuring it all out on your high tech board. You're her hero, and she doesn't know it. Yet. And when she does, you think she'll be yours forever."

"Sophia," he warned.

"Oh, Rick. What happens," she said, approaching him slowly, "When she finds out what you've been doing? Do you really think she'll love you for it? Better cut your losses now, don't you think? Before you get hurt. Detectives, what is it, Esposito? Ryan? They'll watch out for her. Time for you to stop playing cop. Let Nikki ride off with Jameson into the sunset, and Rick Castle move on to other storylines."

This woman was seriously stepping over the line. "I'm not..," he started again.

"Ricky," she said. Then, more softly, "Richard. You are playing cop. You're enjoying the game. And you've fallen in love. It's really very sweet."

Balling his hands into fists in his pocket, he fought to stay outwardly calm. "Sophia, it is time for you to leave."

"Just a drink, Rick. For old times. We were good together. Would you deny that?"

"No. We were. But that was a long time ago. And I'm not that man."

"You could be. You were happier then. Easier going. Look at you. You're not happy now."

"You don't know me now."

She came right up close. "Let me help you find your way back to the Rick Castle I knew. You and I, we weren't forever. We weren't meant to be. But we had some … great times, didn't we? And we can have them again. Tell me, honestly, Rick, has she ever made you happy like that?"

"Sophia, you're completely out of line. You don't have any idea what you're talking about. I'm going to ask you one more time to leave."

She chuckled. "Or you'll call a certain member of the police department? No, no, I'll go. But, Rick, leave the case to the CIA. Neither you nor your detective is equipped to deal with something of this magnitude."

"We are aware that this is a CIA matter."

"And that you're not CIA?"

"Goodbye, Sophia," Rick says, walking towards his front door.

"Oh, don't look so cross," she said, patting his cheek when they got to the door in a way that was oddly reminiscent of his mother.

Rick reaches around her to open the door.

Sophia turns around to face him. "You know, you really are a brilliant author. You don't need to follow anyone around for research. Leave behind the dead ends. Go back to writing more than one book a year. Travel. Date. Enjoy life. You know that you'll only get hurt if you continue on your current path."

She paused, then looked up at him. Getting no reaction, she gave a very slight shrug of her shoulders. "I left my card on your desk. I hope you'll call," she said. "And not just about the case."

With that, she turned and went out the door.

Locking up behind her, Rick returned to his office and sat on the couch. Sophia was right, he knew. Not about everything, but a lot of it.

Still, she was wrong about one thing. Yes, he may have been happier, or at least carefree, back when he'd followed Sophia. And, yes, as much as it hurt to say it, it was true that Kate might never return his feelings. But Kate _wa_s different. Rick was himself with Kate. More than he had been as a lonely child, and more than he had been as "playboy" Rick Castle. Kate had changed him…no, released him from the bindings of the false reality that had become his life outside his home. He loved Kate for uncovering him, and for liking, maybe loving, who she found, as much as he loved Kate for who she was. And wasn't Kate trying to find her way back to her real self, too?

Rick Rodgers, Rick Castle, the name was as unimportant as the persona he'd worn for so long. He loved Kate. She made his halves whole. He would stick with her.

Wherever it would lead him.


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, Sophia was not at Kate's apartment when Kate got home, nor was anyone else.

But Sophia was in Kate's head.

Still, furious as she was at Sophia, and frustrated as usual about Rick, what dominated all of Kate's emotions was anger at her own behavior. She was jealous, damn it, and wouldn't apologize for that. But her snide remarks? And taunting him about an old relationship? She'd been foolish and childish and so not the way that she wanted to be.

No. Detective Katherine Beckett was too mature for this sort of behavior. And she did not let any man, or any competition for a man, get close enough to trigger such behavior.

But Kate Beckett had, when it came to Rick. And, she had to admit, it wasn't the first time. When it came to Rick, Kate was jealous. Of Sophia. Of Serena Kaye. Not of Rick's past with Sophia. She didn't want to think about that past, of course. But blaming Rick was as foolish as it would be if Rick held her past with Will against her.

She wondered if he did?

Well, she'd seen him jealous about Demming, Josh. Alex Conrad.

What's more, Kate knew how wrong it was to throw the "playboy" accusation out there. Yes, Rick had that past reputation, and he must have earned it, at least to some degree. Yet, she had to admit that she hadn't met the playboy, even after spending so much of the past four years with him.

In fact, Kate thought, as far as she was aware, in the past few years, Rick had slept with three women, two of whom were his ex-wives. The third—Ellie Monroe—used Rick as a means to get a job on his upcoming movie project. Poor Rick didn't believe that he was being used until it was thrown in his face! Meredith cheated on him. Kyra had left him. Maybe no woman had ever really treated him fairly. She certainly hadn't. Yet, he continued to put his trust in her, to have faith. Rick was sweetly, though regrettably, naïve. She wanted to knock some sense into him. She wanted to protect him. But most of all, she did not want to hurt him.

Kate shook her head. She knew what the problem was.

She was in love with Rick.

Well, that wasn't the problem. It was the fact that she hadn't told Rick that she loved him, or even that she would like to go out with him sometime. In fact, she tended to push Rick away, sometimes quite forcefully, especially when she started to see her love reciprocated in his eyes. It was also the fact that, knowing that he did return that love gave her a protective, somewhat possessive feeling toward him, which she had not truly earned. All that she had to do to make him hers, and she his, was to go to him, to show him, to tell him that she wants to dive in. But she's not sure she's ready and she doesn't know how, so she waits. And as she waits, the jealously and foolishness and anger and frustration bottle up, and sometimes explode.

Often, the explosion just makes things worse.

It upset her to no end that when they first saw Sophia in the bowels of the CIA building, the look in Rick's eyes was a look that she'd thought was for her alone. But God, Kate thought, why was she so obsessed with that one look? Didn't she see that Rick had stayed by her side? Couldn't she appreciate that Rick shared his theories with her, and reminded her that she, not Sophia, was his partner? Hell, he'd hovered around Jordan Shaw and her FBI toys a lot more than he had Sophia. Those amazing, wonderful things that Rick would do for her, even when she was being unfair. And she was obsessed with a momentary look in Rick's eye.

And at the end of the day, she knew that the look Rick gave the CIA agent was made up of memories, not desire.

And she could see it.

Rick no longer had eyes for Sophia.

Funny, thing, too, but when Sophia was yelling at Castle for being immature, her words almost mirrored Kate's own words to Rick, said on more than one occasion. And it is true that not everything is an idle adventure, and that he can't just write the ending in whatever way he sees fit. But when those words came from Sophia's mouth, rather than hers, Kate's back went up. She went into protective mode. Nobody should yell at Castle that way. Warn him away from danger, sure. He needed to be warned away sometimes. But yell at him for being himself? No. Besides, Sophia should appreciate that he bothered to help her at all. And so should she.

Rick was smart. Sometimes too much for his own good. He was stubborn. He was generous. He was infuriating. He was kind, and sweet, and could always make her laugh. And he couldn't help but poke and prod his way through red tape and invisible walls when he wanted to uncover the truth. It's simply who he is.

And he had done that with her.

Rick had found her, and made her peek out over those walls. Or see through them. He had handed her a chisel…

She let out a laugh at her fanciful thoughts.

It's just that Rick had dug deep and found the place where Kate liked to hide herself. He saw her vulnerabilities. He freed her to be childish and foolish and, well, human. And once he had seen the real Kate, warts and all...he wanted to stay. He chose to stay with her.

Still, as Kate wandered around her apartment, she knew that she couldn't expect Rick to stay right by her side for the rest of his life if she never acted on her feelings. Even if, as she secretly liked to believe, she was the fairytale love of his life, Rick wouldn't be human if he didn't tire of waiting, if he didn't get lonely. If she kept rejecting him, Rick might settle for another relationship. Someone else to grow old with. And maybe to fall a little in love with.

And that would break her heart.

So, she had to do something.

Having carefully watched for his reaction to her snide comments about Sophia all day, not to mention Sophia's afternoon tirade, Kate was pretty sure that Rick was not too keen on his former flame. He wasn't out with Sophia. No, he was probably at home, with his daughter, and maybe his mother. She knew, as few did, that Rick was more homebody than party boy. His family and those he loved were all he really needed.

Yes. She'd bet that Rick was home, probably writing, or else brooding on the couch in his office.

And she wanted, more than anything at that moment, to be there with him.

She sighed. She dug through her bag for her phone.

And she placed the call.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry if I'm doing things wrong. I've never published anything here before.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, and I didn't own it when I wrote the first two chapters, either.**

**_Thank you, thank you, thank you_ to all who sent me such kind reviews and/or put my story on alert. I used to write for fun, but kind of lost confidence a couple of years ago. Yesterday, on a whim, I sat down to see if I could write again. And this is the result! It's not a great story, but I think it's a pretty good start. Your encouragement makes me want to write some more.**

**Anyway, this is the last chapter of _What's Real_. I figure this story takes place somewhere in the middle of Linchpin, and I can't possibly do justice to a CIA plot. So, we'll see what happens Monday.**

**And we'll know that, _eventually_, they'll live happily ever afterly.**

Eventually, Rick got off of his couch. He considered getting himself a glass of wine, but decided that he'd rather have a shower instead, and then try to get some sleep.

After all, he had spent some time in the Hudson today, and the precinct showers were adequate, at best. He checked the house to make sure everything was locked up, and then retreated to his bed and bath to wash away the day.

It had been an awful day.

On so very many levels.

Rick's thoughts drifted to Kate. Hell, at least part of his brain was always thinking about Kate. He imagined that she was taking a bath. Maybe she was having .. uh, what had she said once? "A date with his book." Yeah. With a smile at the thought, he stepped into the shower.

He had completely forgotten that his phone had buzzed earlier.

Kate Beckett wasn't in the bathtub.

She was sitting with her phone in her lap, like a school girl with a crush waiting for a boy. The thought made her smile.

She supposed that if Rick wasn't answering, he'd probably gone to sleep. She didn't want to wake him. Besides, she needed sleep herself.

She grabbed her phone and sent him a text:

"_I'm sorry for today. Tomorrow will be better. I'll bring you coffee if you'll come in to work._"

Huh. She guessed that they _both_ thought of the precinct as Rick's workplace, too. Actually, even Captain Gates seemed to accept his presence now. Yet, Kate hoped that Rick knew that she was aware that he was a writer first, and that she appreciated all of the time he took away from his writing to help at the precinct, and to be with her. Also, as a closet fangirl, she was well aware that, four years ago, he wrote two-to-three books a year instead of one, and spent much more time on the book signing and lecture circuit. She wanted him to know that she was aware of his sacrifices. She wanted him to know that she did not take him for granted.

So she sent him a second text:

"_But, if you're going to write tomorrow instead of coming in, let me know, and I'll bring you coffee at home._"

She smiled as she realized that she'd said "home" as if the loft were her home, too. She found that she rather liked the idea.

Seriously. It was time to stop fighting this, fighting them. She loved Rick. Tomorrow, she would tell Rick how she felt about him and about them, and then they'd see where it would lead them. For tonight, she simply added to the text message, "_Sweet dreams, Rick_," before she pressed "send."

Kate hadn't expected to get much sleep after the roller coaster that had been her day.

She was blissfully wrong.

Kate managed to fall asleep quickly, and she slept the whole night through.

Back at the loft, Rick wasn't having such luck. He'd gone to bed after his shower. _Right_ after his shower. He'd just let himself fall, naked, on top of the covers. He'd slept for maybe an hour or two. Then he woke up, and tossed, and turned, well into the early morning hours.

Finally, he couldn't take it any longer, and he got out of bed.

He grabbed some clothes. He had no wish to traumatize his daughter further. He went into the kitchen, and poured a glass of water. He then retreated to his office to write, but found that he was really too tired to concentrate. He stretched out on his couch and grabbed a magazine off of a nearby pile.

As he flipped though the magazine, a cell phone ad reminded him that he had missed that earlier call. He got up, retrieved the phone, and cursed when he saw that the caller had been Beckett. Something must have come up about this case, or with another. Or what if something was wrong?

Also, he figured that when he didn't call her back, Kate probably assumed that he was with Sophia. Well, technically, he had been. With Sophia.

But not _with_ with Sophia.

Those days were long gone.

He found no voice mail, but saw that Kate had sent two text messages. As he read them, his heart skipped a beat, and then he relaxed for the first time all day.

Maybe for the first time in several days.

He read the messages over a few times, not bothering to hold back his grin.

Not wanting to wake her, he sent Kate a single, short text message:

"_Sweet dreams, Kate_."

And then he went to bed.

He lay down.

And found that he could sleep, after all.

_The End_


End file.
